It’s someone’s fault… Some lonely, 75-year-old man out there whose 50-something year old son bought him a computer for his 75th birthday.  That guy is a fucking douche bag!!!  Why, you may ask (go ahead… I won’t judge you)?  The reason is because that poor 75-year-old man should just be playing shuffleboard and waiting for the sweet, sweet release of death. Instead, he is opening his email account for the first time and getting flooded with SPAM messages.  Everyone gets them… But when you’re 75 and just starting out with computers… These messages are for you specifically.  Erectile Penile Dysfunction?  HOW DID YOU KNOW?  Out of 100,000 spam email messages sent out, one response makes it worth it.  If no one buys your product, the product will go away… Just ask the team that came up with “New Coke”. At first the SPAM messages were advertisements. Today, I don’t even know what the fuck they’re trying to do. Here at En-Whee, I’ve set all posts to be delayed until I OK them. The reason is 100% because of “spammers”. Typically, they post gibberish like “crump scuddaler laterigrade coeducate lateener serradella exemplar polestar” (yes, that was a real one) with a link to their Russian scamming website. My favorites are the ones that are more subtle about it… they’ll post a comment and just have their website listed in there somewhere. The comments are typically “Great website! Lots of useful information” or “Awesome blog… very informative”. I just told you about a time I SHIT MYSELF… what kind of fucking research are you doing, exactly, that this is INFORMATIVE?

The worst kind of SPAM is the kind that my friends and family send me… electronic chain letters. A quick trip to “snopes.com” would save everyone so much fucking time. The funny thing about these things is that if they got the same message in their regular ‘snail-mail’, they would just throw it away, unopened. Who would really forward a bunch of letters to friends, right? Stamps are fucking expensive. Then one day, the internet came along, laid us all out, and shit in the open wounds known as our eye sockets. I try and wrestle with the notion that people think bad things will actually happen to them if they don’t forward a fucking E-MAIL to 20 of their friends. I don’t even have 20 friends, so if this is true, and I’m the asshole, I’m totally fucked. Then again, these are the same types of people that believe you go to a magical place when you die where all your lost pets and family live on amongst the clouds forever.

Trust me on this one. If you send 500 e-mail messages, Bill Gates is not going to e-mail you. There is no one from the Make-a-Wish foundation sending out SPAM, and the little girl with cancer is actually a 40-year-old male sending SPAM to every idiot that replies. I don’t want to boycott whatever the fuck it is you people are boycotting this week. One day with everyone in the world not buying gas is not going to bug the oil companies. It just means the next day they’ll be a little busier, which means your dumb ass will be waiting in line a little longer. With the engine running. Using up your fucking gas.

My favorites are the ones I get that are froo-froo friendship e-mail. “If you don’t send this back to me, it means you’re not my friend”. It sounds like such an easy deal… but they keep sending them! I thought I made it clear that I hated you by not sending that e-mail back! I’m waiting for the one that says “If you send this back, it means you hate me, and I’ll stop bothering you with this shit”. I will send that one back. Oh,yes… I will send that one back like a motherfucker!